TRUSTING THE UNKNOWN
Many thoughts had preceded this surgery – Would I wake up? Would I be able to walk again? How would the children and my family deal with the changes? Would it hurt? How long would I be off work for? Could we afford to do this? Was there a right time?
So many questions – no answer could possibly be the right one because we literally had no idea whatsoever as we entered into the unknown.
It was a relief to fall into an induced sleep to be honest – the conscious mind finally stopped turning.
As time ticked by and Tony sat waiting for however long was required to straighten the curvature in my spine and reconstruct my right ribcage, Mr Shaw and his team worked intensely.
In a bizarre way, I had drawn the long straw as I was asleep and the time passed in an instant for me. However, Tony sat and sat and sat some more – almost eight hours passed before he was informed that I was being transferred to Intensive Care (ICU). Two hours longer than expected – I was blissfully unaware yet Tony was feeling every minute. I wonder what really went through his mind in those hours – I had been warned of the risk of not waking or not walking as the spinal column was worked on.
Waking up was gradual – I understand that it took around three hours to gain any sort of true sense from me and throughout it all there was Tony – he was just there doing what he does best. Making sure I was okay.
I don’t remember much but just relief that I had woken up and I daren’t move incase it hurt! I lay with the morphine pump in my hand and recall Tony saying, “I’m not going until I know you can press the button yourself”. That was hard work – I do know that much.
As I drifted in and out of consciousness everything seemed like a complete blur – I knew I was to have my own room and that was about it – this unknown business was so daunting but I was still coming back to reality that I really didn’t care about anything.
Apparently I was in ICU for overnight and into the following day – it was time to leave and I recall telling every member of staff who came my way just how much I loved my children and how great they are!
By pure chance, at the point of wheeling the bed from the ward, Tony had brought Lou and Fynn to visit – They still joke now about how highly medicated (ok – so maybe not so politely put!) I was and how embarrassing I was as in my drowsy state I had to let everyone know that THESE were my children – sorry kids!
You know what though – the only snippets of memories from waking up to being transferred to the ward room were just Tony and the children. That is all – What does that tell me now?
My little world means the WHOLE world to me.